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5 Annoying Things Nobody Tells You About Dating These Days
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I’d fall asleep at night thinking about my dream guy. The one that would casually walk into my life, treat me well, and be everything I needed for the next 40 years.
But dating isn’t what it used to be. That isn’t necessarily bad, it just means it’s different. And if you’re not careful, you can waste a lot of time on the wrong people.
Here’s how to save time:
It’s not that words don’t matter at all, it’s that they matter far less you’ll want them to.
“He must be interested! He said ____”
Fill in the blank. I’ve done this a billion times (approximately). Often pouring over messages that often turned out to be meaningless.
Humans are messy. We do not send text messages with the intention that someone will read them back in 3 days. We say how we feel in the moment. Sometimes, even, we just are feeling good and feeling flirty and might change our mind on someone in a matter of hours.
Nobody owes it to you to feel the same way they did 3 days ago.
It’s a cruel reality, but it’s a reality nonetheless. Instead, pay attention to patterns. Their words can mean anything, but their patterns will say who they actually are.
- Evaluate Them Back
Many of us have been the type to get someone talking to us and instantly start planning a future with them. They don’t even have to try, we just let them in without proving anything.
My advice: Go about it like a smart interviewer.
Job interviews work better when they’re conversational. Not you answering a bunch of questions in rapid fire. The goal is to be interviewing an employer back. By making sure that this is a place you want to work, that you’ll like the work, and that you’ll be treated with respect.
When you show up for a date remember that you are not just there to find chemistry and kiss at the end. Like a job, you’re there to find a good fit.
This is true of the most successful couples. They have compatible lifestyles and create a high-functioning partnership. Love is more than companionship or commitment or sex. It’s bringing the best out of each other.
In short: Just because you like someone doesn’t mean they’re the right fit for you.
- Be Honest About What You Want
I chased a guy once who told me he wanted kids.
And I told him I wanted kids too.
In reality, I wasn’t sure. I’m actually still not sure if I want kids. They’re expensive, they’re loud, and I fear for their quality life as the climate gets worse, jobs get automated, and chronic illness continues to skyrocket.
Many of us will say anything to butter up the person we’re seeing. We have a competitive spirit to be the most attractive option possible.
The problem is that we can trap ourselves.
I have come to know many gay men over the years that are in the closet with wives. They often have kids and between their religion, family expectations, and fear of rejection they keep themselves suffocated and miserable.
While also hurting everyone around them.
I have done everything possible to not become these men. And you, gay or straight, should do that too. It’s okay to not want to get married. It’s okay not to want to have kids. It’s okay to literally do whatever you want (that is legal).
Just make sure you’re building your life and not one for other people.
- Quit the Games
Texting back purposefully 4 hours later will not work.
You can re-word your messages 8 times and it probably won’t change anything.
Either a person likes you or they don’t.
Either they’ll put in the effort or they won’t.
Trying to game the system at every turn not only does yourself a disservice, but might confuse an otherwise well-meaning person. Or, worse, make yourself out to be someone you are not.
- Detach From the Need To Have Someone
It’s a beautiful thing to have a loving relationship. I think we can all acknowledge that.
But being single is not sad at all. This is because happiness does not stem from your relationship status. Lots of people are in miserable relationships.
Separate yourself from the need to be attached.
You don’t need to be attached, you need to be fulfilled. And fulfillment can come from a bunch of places, whether it’s a career that lights you up or getting closer with a new friend.
And largely unnatural. It will not inspire pure joy and it will not inspire pure misery.
It will never go back to the way it was 50 years ago, which is fine. But there are new rules to follow, skills to be upgraded, and things about humans you have to learn to get ahead.
If only someone taught me that sooner.
I might’ve watched fewer rom-coms.